I wanted to write yesterday. I wanted to share some profound thought… that I have completely forgotten now. Isn’t it how it always is? you want to remember to write something or tell someone something, or you have an amazing dream that you can’t wait to share, and then, poof! It vanishes. I’m honestly ok with it. I have a notebook in my bag that I write blog ideas in and then when I complete them, i cross them off. So far none of them have been written, but, when I have no clue what to write? they will be.
Today was refreshing for me. Perhaps it was waking up at 6:30 because my body refused to sleep more after a refreshing night’s rest. Perhaps it was the fact that nothing was on our itinerary so when friends asked us over for breakfast, we could say yes wholeheartedly. Perhaps it’s because of an internal mindset change. Who knows?
When a friend said she wanted to start a five day challenge on Facebook for early risers (or rather those who want to rise earlier… Like me!), i’m pretty sure I yelled loud enough for her to hear, or at least I did in my head. Rising early to spend time one on one with God? Yes, please! Earlier this year, I participated in a 10k, and the only way I could get enough time to walk even close to that amount was to wake up before the sun. Now, I want to run it… Not competitively, but to say I did. I *loathe* running, or rather, I did. I remember back to middle school when we *had* to run and I didn’t find it enjoyable, but now? now, I long for it, especially around sunrise. I find myself chasing the sunrise and repeating to myself, “his mercies are new every morning. Great is his faithfulness!” and then when i turn back west, I pray from Psalm 121. “I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.” It’s just me and God on these runs, and it’s amazing what it’s done for my mental health. And honestly, I’m kinda dreading next week because I won’t be able to wake up early to run. I’ll still wake up early. I’ll still choose to move, but it won’t be running.
I think, sometimes, I forget how important diet and exercise are for mental health. I forget that discipline takes me out of myself. I find myself craving more of God, and surrendering everything to him. I give my all to Him. He is worthy. I’m choosing to replace my “I feel so alone” thoughts with thoughts of Him. And somehow, that has helped my mental health significantly. Don’t get me wrong. I still have days I’m seriously struggling, but instead of feeling like I’m buried under a mountain with only a few pinholes of light, i feel like I’m in the shade of the tree, outside a meadow just begging for me to dance in. I don’t know what I’m doing to get there, but somehow, that’s where I find myself, at least lately.
Earlier last week, it was very much a “Where are you, God? What exactly are you doing?” kind of week. I was in a very dark place… Incredibly dark. But God used that darkness to shine. I am here. I haven’t abandoned you. I am here with you. Then, a couple of friends messaged me. One sent me Isaiah 43:1 as an encouragement, and it was, so very much so. And another sent me an encouragement about seeing me and being encouraged by me, even though I feel like I’m failing miserably. Maybe I just need to “fail with style.” But it served as a reminder that my identity, no matter how much I try, should not be on what I do, but who He says I am. How could I have forgotten that my identity in HIM is more important that what I do? I was reminded of the value He has given me, a value that is absolutely not based on anything I do, but who He says I am. I had forgotten. In my selfishness and pride and “woe is me” battles, I had forgotten that He says I am His. I did nothing to deserve it. I am a fallible human being who makes so many mistakes, but he says “You are mine. I have called you by name.” And with that, i was reminded of what another friend started doing. A gratitude journal. So today, with our itinerary-less, relaxed morning, I went to Target, just my son and me, (Fidgets wanted to go with my husband on a special date to Home Depot) and found some cute journals to write daily gratitudes and affirmation, taking the negative and making it positive.
I think, with this week mostly behind me, I’ve come to realize that the darkness, as difficult and as hard as it is, has a part in building faith. Sometimes it’s really easy to be faithful in the good, in the light, but when the bad happens, when the darkness hits, God doesn’t leave us. in fact, the psalmist writes, “If I go to the grave (Sheol), you are there.” (Psalm 139:8) and this week he’s proven that to me over and over again.
I think the next few days, I’m gonna bury myself in psalms just to remind myself of who He is, even when I’m being super emotional, or hanging out with a mental illness. He never changes, and I am so thankful for that.
In Him, –Karen
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