Monday night Bible study is often where God chooses to reveal Himself to me, and last night was no different. I’d been wrestling with this fear of rejection and how it was interfering with my relationship with God and people. Up until about a month ago, it was an all-consuming fear, affecting every aspect of my life. As I was talking to God last night during our worship time I realized I was afraid that He’d leave me like He left Saul in 1 Samuel 16. But just as I realized that I thought that way, the band starts playing this song starts to play.
It was though God was speaking directly to this fear and to my heart. “Karen,” He said, “the Old Testament was filled with my Spirit as an empowerment, limited to a select few, but that’s not the New Covenant. When I sent my Son, when the curtain tore, I sent my Spirit as a promise of redemption, empowering all who call upon Me as their Lord.” He reminded me He held my heart, not like in Once Upon a Time where the bad guys use it for control or death, but as a Protector. “Your tender heart is valuable to me, and I truly want to guard it.” I still am unsure where this fear is rooted, but as I process this, I saw God as a gardener working alongside me, exposing the weeds and pulling them up, getting closer and closer to the source.
Really, though, as I was entering this time of worship and conversation with God, I wanted answers for what next steps were for me. Was it to find a job? Go back to school? Something completely different I hadn’t thought about? But God didn’t address those questions. It was more like He wanted to clear this garden of the invasive weeds before He could plant new dreams in my heart.
This journey, this process of understanding God and getting to the roots of so many of my issues, has been intensely beautiful and sweet while difficult at the exact same time. I find myself desiring more of Him for Him, but in order to do that I have to remember He’s not just in the highs or the lows, but in the in-between, in the mundane. I’ve had no problems seeing Him as a friend, or as a Father, or as the Lover of my soul, but I found myself chasing Him for the spiritual high I’d feel, like He was my drug dealer. He’s working in me to reveal that’s not what He wants. He wants a genuine relationship with me, not because I deserve it or He is my fairy godfather, but because He truly wants to be in a relationship with me. Seeking His presence for Him is a lot different than seeking Him for a high, and last night, even though I truly felt His presence, it wasn’t the same high I’d associated with Him in the past. It was a gentle presence, one of comfort and simplicity, and I truly felt that we were together to be together instead of me seeking Him for a feeling. I can’t explain how freeing that was.
Have you ever experienced this?
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