You know what sucks? Surrender. I mean legitimate, soul crushing surrender. Like when God says, “Surrender this to ME!” It’s hard. So hard.
I feel like God has been asking this a lot of me. “Surrender yourself to me. Surrender your business. Surrender your life, your comfort, your plans.”
I hate it.
But I also love it.
It’s a blessing and a curse, or so Monk says.
But you know, while getting to the surrender sucks, and saying, “Yes, this is not mine. You take it,” really hurts, the healing that begins at that point is, well, amazing.
Surrender is like giving God your scar tissues, your battle wounds, the crooked bones that never set well. He’s the great physician who sees these scars, bruises, brokenness and when we surrender, he cuts the wounds open again, cleans out any infection, and takes off the excess scar tissue. He rebreaks and resets the crooked bones to make them straight. Sometimes, we, when we tear at and dwell on our hurts and wounds, cause more pain and more scar tissue to develop. We reopen those wounds, allow infections and scar tissues to build, and hinder the work of the Great Healer. We see these wounds and wonder how can God fix this? how can God or anyone love me? I am hurt and these scars are ugly. Dear, dear friends, you are so beautiful. You are so loved. And it has nothing to do with you.
Pain is so hard. It’s an indication that something is wrong and we don’t like it. We medicate it and try to run from it. But God gently says surrender. Lean in. Let me be the Healer I am.
In other words, abide.
I cannot escape this word. “Abide in me. Apart from me you can do nothing.” Remain. Abide. Exist.
Oh man. It’s hard. It’s hard to allow someone into your mess. But God is present. In my darkest days, I felt I had no hope. I didn’t want to lean in. I wanted to run, to hide, to minimize my pain. I felt the deep pain of rejection. I felt the wounds of being ignored and passed over. I know that pain. My identity floundered. Instead of resting in being God’s beloved, I let myself be mom, wife, forgotten friend, depressed, ugly. I allowed myself to see me negatively, no chance of being anything more than. My identity is what I saw of myself and what I perceived others saw in me. I was broken. But God…God had other plans. He saw into the darkness and brought light. He said, my child, you are beautiful, beloved. You are my daughter whom I love. I sacrificed everything so you could know me. I became broken so he could make me whole. I found beauty from Him, not from me. I found joy in the midst of the pain because he held me tightly. He reminded me that Whose I am is more important than who I am. So, my dear friends, I want you to know and experience this too. I want you to know that the darkness can be all consuming but HE is light and He wants to go into those dark places with you so that you see He is who He says. If you find yourself struggling with who you are, I challenge you to focus on who He says He is. Praise Him for those things, and let Him sing His song over you.
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