I’ve shared some about my 2017. It was a heavy, dark year. I felt strongly that God was asking me to wait. Part of that waiting was saying no to things and experiences I desperately wanted, and part of that waiting had me in tears, probably due to depression. It was hard. There were times I forced myself to get out because I knew the reason I was staying home wasn’t a healthy thing; I perceived things as rejection that wasn’t or I had a fear that I would be rejected. I’m all for boundaries and being able to say no if I need to, but this was crazy out of control wanting to stay home. I ran out of my church one Sunday because of a perceived offense, and I confided in my husband I felt a lot of this was probably due to depression. I wasn’t at a point I felt comfortable seeking professional help. NOTE: Don’t be like me. If you find yourself not well, seek help.
The year progressed, and I felt I was in the “depths of despair.” I could do nothing to drag myself out. This is my story of how God took me, with a broken spirit, not whole, not well, and made me into something whole. Because God is in the business of fixing brokenness.
I don’t know exactly how it happened. Around my birthday, I confided in a friend I wanted to have a party, but I didn’t want it to be just anyone and I didn’t want to plan it. I had reached a low point. I couldn’t tell which way was up or who really had my back as a friend. “Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.” (John 15:2 ESV) Looking back on it, I realize God had been pruning me, cutting away the things that weren’t glorifying Him, and giving me space to grow. To say it was painful is an understatement. I found myself constantly wondering why I was here, in this neighborhood, in this church. I felt lonely, broken, miserable. At one point I desired to go back to Texas where I also felt lonely, essentially trading one desert for another. God had other ideas.
I cannot say with any certainty when this all turned around. There was no “blinding light on the road to Damascus” (from the book of Acts), no significant event. It just… happened.
I Kings has one of my favorite stories in it… in chapter 18, Elijah calls down fire from heaven, mocking Jezebel’s gods, the Lord God listen, and Elijah saw this huge victory over Baal and Asherah, but then he flees. My favorite part is when he’s hiding in a cave, trying to escape Jezebel’s wrath and he’s waiting intently on God. There are several loud and memorable events, but it’s not the voice of God. God comes with a gentle whisper and asks Elijah, “what are you doing here?” Fear drove Elijah to hide. He’d just had a major victory over the prophets and priests of Baal. He taunted them… “Maybe Baal’s taking a dump? Why don’t you yell louder?” He told them to make it really hard to light a fire. “Just pour MORE water on this… It’s ok because I know my God will win.” His altar lit up with fire while Baal’s stayed uncharred. He saw firsthand how God worked, and yet he was afraid he was the only one left, and he hid. And like Elijah, I found God whispering away at my soul. Eventually, the quietness of his steadfast love broke through and I found myself whole again. Different. Changed. But whole, nonetheless.
I’ve seen God do amazing things in my life. Our move here was miraculous in itself. But I, like Elijah, was hiding. Depression sucks. It sucks the life out of you. It’s like your inner voice tells you your worth is nothing. There’s constant comparison, fear, and dread. It is a beast, and it is so prevalent throughout the Bible. Many of the Psalms, Ecclesiastes, and Lamentations must have been written by someone who knew the battle well. But even in those books, the writers continue to praise God.
At some point in 2017, I was introduced to Reckless Love. I remember the first time I heard it and really listened to it. I’d found myself in a very deep dark spot, quietly sitting in the seats at church, wanting to not be there (which I recognize as a symptom of depression… I really like church!), and it was like God whispered, “Karen… I’m chasing after you and there’s nothing you did to get this relentless love of mine. It’s independent of you. It’s mine to give, unconditionally. Stop putting conditions on this gift I’ve given you.”
I am so thankful for those friends that God placed in my life who asked me the really hard questions, saw me in tears multiple times, and came alongside me on this journey. I’m so thankful that God uses a community for His glory, and praise Him that He does everything for a relationship with us! Even though I cannot explain away 2017 as much as I often want to do, I’m thankful for it. Throughout the Bible, when God would do something for His chosen, they built monuments to remember it, and this… this collection of pixels, words, data… this is my monument, my ebenezer, so that when I or another in my life sees it, we see that God’s goodness reigns, and that He, and He alone, brought me through it.
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