Lately I’ve been struggling with feeling like I belong, which kind of goes with my struggle in my identity. As a mom to two, I have a hard time not putting myself in just that category. It’s a large part of what I do, but it’s not who I am. (I wrote some of my thoughts on identity here.) I’m struggling with my business (I’ve wanted to quit at least 20 times so far, but I’m not, at least, not right now) and I’m struggling to find where I fit here in my community.
This struggle isn’t new for me. In high school, I wasn’t quite sure where I fit in with my small town that I’d lived in my whole life. My junior year, I started a new high school where I knew no one and still struggled, but one thing changed. I stayed on campus for lunch. I mean, i could have left, but I always had the option of a deep dish personal pizza and french fries for lunch so i didn’t. I found my way into a group from band who also were misfits and our table, that started out small with me and five or six others grew to twenty in no time. We started making plans and hanging out. We went to concerts and youth groups together because of that 30 minutes we stayed at school for lunch. Even for the big events, like Homecoming and prom, our group would band together and make sure that all of us were taken care of. We didn’t actively exclude and we didn’t fit into just one category of people. We had nerds from band, the car dudes, the random younger siblings, the art geeks… We were misfits, and not part of the “popular” crowd and I loved it.
And I miss it.
I called my husband this morning because I was feeling particularly down (and, if I’m honest, it’s probably partially due to blood sugar….) “I miss Texas. I miss having people to call for babysitting so we could go to the first showings of movies with friends. I miss having family nearby. I just miss it.” “I could try and move back,” he responded. “Don’t you dare! When we started dating and before we even talked about marriage, Colorado was a part of the package and I am not going to take that back because I’m feeling left out and discouraged.” True story. Colorado was in our long term plan.
So i went and got lunch and felt a bit better but I still miss what was. And hindsight, they say, is 20-20. I don’t want to live in the past. I don’t want to live in the has beens. I’ve seen where that goes… Nowhere. But I’m having a hard time seeing joy in the present, in the future. I’m having a hard time finding reasons to stay where we are. I find myself lacking direction. I find myself floundering where I am. I find myself praying to the One who holds me in the palm of His hand, begging for anything he’ll give me that will help me feel valued, like I belong, because, with complete honesty here, I don’t feel like I do, at least not here, in this community. And right now, that’s a deep desire in my heart, to feel like I’m needed outside my little family, like I’m loved, like I belong. May God continue to meet my needs where I am and may I continue to meet him here, in this anguish. May he show me where I am needed and desired, because right now I just don’t know, and the not knowing is probably the hardest part.
In Him, -Karen
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