A friend approached me at church this week. “I read your blog! I really enjoyed it!” It seems that this leap of faith toward writing regularly is going well, but…
Complete vulnerability time.
I am still mortally terrified.
I know, I know. I wrote about God not giving me a spirit of fear, and here I am mentioning my fear. I can’t explain the reasoning behind this fear. Perhaps it’s more of a phobia than just a plain ol’ fear. And I have had my share of phobias. I’ll list my top three NOT related to blogging for you.
Things flying. It started the day after I graduated high school. On our way to east Texas for my cousin’s high school graduation, a truck hauling lumber or some sort of boards unsecured in a flat bed trailer lost some of the load. I was exhausted from the adrenaline of graduating the day before and was asleep in the front seat when all of a sudden, one of the boards bounced off the road and hit the windshield in front of me. No one was hurt and the only damage to the car was the shattered windshield, but it took years of praying and faith to finally be rid of this fear. At the time when it was prevalent in my life, things like ultimate frisbee and tennis were out the window. I wouldn’t catch anything that would come toward me because I was terrified. I shared a few laughs and realized that it was a ridiculous fear at the time. God rid me of that fear 3 years later when I felt God asking me to trust him for healing. There was a physical aspect of this fear, but that is a story for another time.
Heights. Unlike with my fear of flying objects, I have no memory of how this fear started. I remember being able to climb the crabapple tree in front of my hometown church and get pretty high in the branches. I had no fear as a kid. Now it’s pretty prevalent in my life. My husband and I recently took a vacation to Utah and I went on a couple of walks in the mountains outside Salt Lake City. No lie, I called Brandon on the verge of a panic attack when the edge of the trail, at least a meter away, had a small drop off of like 18 inches, and there was a slope, but no cliffs. I live just east of the Rockies currently, and I love the idea of hiking, but I rarely go because of the possibility of a small drop off. And I have kids. I laugh at this very real, unexplainable phobia all the time… even when I see it affecting my ability to play video games, which it has done a time or two.
Praying Mantises. I can tell you how this one started. Eighth grade. I thought I’d be able to escape the bug collection for middle school that had typically been a seventh grade only project when I entered eighth grade, only to find out I’d have to do it then. I had no issues with bugs before. In fact, I kind of liked mantises. I thought they were so cool cutting off the heads of their mates and using their pinchers to catch their prey. So cool! Well a friend had found a mantis somewhere near our house and set it on the counter, waiting for me to pin it. As soon as I went to grab a pin to put the pin through it’s thorax, it turned hits heads and looked directly at me. It was not dead, like I had assumed. I was not happy, freaked out, and I’m not sure exactly what happened after that other than it did make it on to my project. But now, no way. Can’t do them. I know they won’t hurt me, but every single time I see one, I think of the way that one turned its head in eighth grade more than 17 years ago, and I can’t do it. I will find another way to go. That dang bug can live in peace as long as we avoid each other.
I guess, technically, that’s only two phobias and a random past fear since I’m no longer really afraid of things flying toward me. However, one thing that is true for those fears and this random fear of blogging, no matter how big those fears are, God is bigger. Also, I like to exploit most of my fears. In my way of thinking, correct or not, when I step out, even when I know I am mortally terrified of the circumstances, and I see that it’s really not that bad, my fears don’t have the same control on me. And I get an adrenaline rush. I laugh at many of my fears and cry at others. I don’t really understand it at all, but hang around me and see. I want to go beyond my limits. I want to step out in faith. I want to keep my eyes on Jesus. I will keep going, dang it. Every post I make, even if I feel like I am leaving myself vulnerable, is just another step of faith on the stormy seas and my eyes are fixed on Jesus. May I continue to grow to love him more.
In him, -Karen
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